Bazinga!

~ Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.. Yaaaaa!~

Still LOL-ing on my own about the photo. Haha!

Mico's birthday is coming up. I'm planning to surprise him. Will buy a cake, and make spaghetti for him. :) Then spend some more for beer & such. I want his birthday to be awesome, even in the simplest way. I already informed our friends, cause I want it to be a secret, well until Tuesday, of course. :D

OMG I JUST WENT HUNTING FOR A FLYING ROACH INSIDE MY ROOM :S

Okay, back to topic. My friends suggested that I do the food, and they do the drinks. So, yes. There it is. We're on for February 1st!! :)

Milk biscuits

What a long day I had. :) Was up early cause I slept in my mom's bed with Klaud. When she got home she was really sleepy and wanted her bed back. So I forced myself up, and grabbed Klaud over to my bed. That was at around 9am.

At 9:45 am, I gave Klaud a bath and prepped him up for his check up. After bathing, he slept. I gave him to my grandma, and they stayed at her room, while I was preparing myself and the stuff I'll be bringing

. My uncle drove us to the hospital, and took us out for lunch. We went to the mall, bought Klaud a new pacifier clip & bottle cap (he broke the one we brought.) After that, we went straight home. I fell asleep at around 3pm. Woke up at 7, just in time to wake my mom up

for work. She works on graveyard shift. She leaves at 8:30-9pm, and comes home the following morning.

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Last night we found out that Klaud loves milk biscuits. My uncle bought a bucket of cookies & biscuits, and there are tons of milk biscuits there. Back about 3 months ago, we used to buy that bucket all the time. We gave Klaud bits of the biscuits, cause he wasn't really allowed to eat stuff

yet. Last night was different though. He really really loved it. I mean, you can never see such happiness in a child's eyes because of food. And I feel so good for that :) I even gave him his bib,

and made it his cookie bib, cause he eats the biscuit so messy!! You can see it from the photos. Haha! We even brought some with us when we were on our way to the doctor's. He's just growing up so fast. I kinda want him to stay this young forever, but nobody does. And we won't have a choice. For now, I'm trying my very very best to be the most responsible mom for Klaud. Cause I know I can be. And I know I can prove everyone wrong about what they say about me being his Mom. I can be what I want to be. I just don't want to be what they tell me to, just because I don't want to. I like pissing them off. REALLY. Cause they react so much. And they don't even make me feel good like families should do. So why should I do what they say? They keep on saying, "your way doesnt work". Well I say whatever, and they should wait. Cause someday, I'll prove them wrong!

Love and lies

I'm in deep emotional pain. Not because I'm single. I'm actually not single. (Although sometimes I want to be.) What I feel is unexplainable. Words aren't enough. I have a partner, he's not there for me when I need him. Most of the time, we don't talk. But I know we love each other. Even if he can't express it much. My only problem is, I don't want to stop loving and caring for him. But he leaves me no choice. I'm damaged forever, and I dont know if I can still feel what he's trying to make me feel. Some people says its because of hectic schedules, some say because of distance, some say because of sex. Well, damn everyone. I don't care. Because I know that if he really does love me, he'll always make a way. It might take time. I'm already sad. A couple of months more wouldn't hurt less, will it? I'm willing to risk it.

I guess I just really miss the old US.

What's up?

If you're reading this, you must have typed the wrong words on the address bar, accidentally clicked on my photo on one of the blogs I follow/commented on, or you're part of the 1% that actually read my blog. Well, whoever or whatever you're reason might be for being here, I am saying hello, and welcome to you :)

This is but another blab about how boring and miserable I think my life is. Cause as time passes by, I feel more depressed than ever. With what? With everything. And by saying everything, I'm not being sarcastic. Its literally everything. My life, my face, my body, my attitude, my house, the people around me, the people in North America, the people in Qatar, the environment, the weather, Politics, school, professions.... You get what I mean. The only reason I wake up in the morning, is to take care of Klaud. Because he needs me more than anybody else does. If it weren't for him, I might be out all day, getting drunk everyday, and not caring about anything. Actually, right now, its what I'm trying to do. Sit in front of my computer when Klaud's asleep, log on to Facebook, Tumblr, deviantArt & Blogger, and spend countless hours not caring about people around me. Why? Because they scarred me already. And I can't take any more of this shit. Only if I can be on my own, I will leave this place and be happy. But I can't. So I'll have to sacrifice.

The 30,000 peso week.

Yesterday morning was our last few hours in the hospital. Klaud was confined because of having a convulsion, due to high grade fever and UTI (Urinary Track Infection). I took his temperature at about 11pm on the night of January 17, and he was at 39.1 degrees. I didn't sleep until past 1am, cause I wanted to wait for his fever to go down. After a few minutes, he didn't seem so hot anymore, so I figured, it was alright for me to sleep. He was supposed to take medicines at 4am. But I wasn't up at 4am. I woke up at 4:30-5am. And I was thanking God over and over and over. When I woke up, I saw him, having a convulsion. He was looking right up, no reaction to anything I said or did, very unlike him. My hands turned sweaty and shaky, but I had no choice, I held him and brought him to my grandma, who told me what to do then. We brought him to the hospital, and there he got admitted and we had to stay for 5 days.

Klaud & Mico on our first night there. So cute, right? :)

Anyways, those 5 days made me realize & feel how a mother really feels like. Cause my mother wasn't there, nobody else was. Only me. Only us, for Klaud. I felt how to take care of my son, and my husband as well. For once I felt responsible. For once I felt independent. It wasn't that easy, no. But it taught me a lot. I felt fear whenever they needed to have a needle near Klaud. I felt the pain whenever Klaud cried. I felt bad when Klaud wasnt feeling well. But I disregarded all these, because I was thinking, I should be strong, because if I wasn't, who would? This time, its not for me. Its for Klaud.

It would be really nice to say these to my mom or whoever, but nobody would under

stand, and nobody would believe me. Cause everybody thinks I don't care for Klaud.

They keep on telling me to start caring, start loving him. What the fuck do they think I'm doing? Obviously, they only think I take care of him, because I NEED TO.

(K. Pagod na ko mag english, kasi sasabog na ko. Ang dami dami dami kong gusto sabihin.)

Pinipilit niya ako igaya sa sarili niya. Who does she think she is? Pinipilit niyang magaling siya, pinipilit niyang siya hindi nagkakamali kahit noon, kaya never kami nagkasakit na magkapatid. WELL GUESS WHAT! Kami kasi normal, full term pinanganak. Si Klaud, kulang sa araw, nagkasakit na din non. Hindi ba nila maisip na he's a very very fragile baby? That he's not like any other baby? I'm so sick and tired of all these things. Kung kaya ko lang mabuhay mag isa, ay nako. Umalis na ako dito. Not that I'm not grateful for what everybody here has done for me and my son, pero, sobra na, eh? They do these things, because they should. They're the only family we have. But what do they do? They make it seem like kailangan silang sambahin kasi tinutulungan nila kame. Parang, for them, they do nice stuff for charity, not because of love. Minsan naiisip ko, sana hindi ko na lang sila naririnig. I'm actually starting to kick them out of my life. Not kick 'em totally, pero yung, wala na kong paki sa sinasabi nila, hindi ko na papansinin mga sinasabi nila. After all, there's only 4 years left until I can find my own job, have my own home, and live my own life. Tiis tiis nga daw, diba. Sacrifices must be made, in order to be at peace and be happy.