The 30,000 peso week.

Yesterday morning was our last few hours in the hospital. Klaud was confined because of having a convulsion, due to high grade fever and UTI (Urinary Track Infection). I took his temperature at about 11pm on the night of January 17, and he was at 39.1 degrees. I didn't sleep until past 1am, cause I wanted to wait for his fever to go down. After a few minutes, he didn't seem so hot anymore, so I figured, it was alright for me to sleep. He was supposed to take medicines at 4am. But I wasn't up at 4am. I woke up at 4:30-5am. And I was thanking God over and over and over. When I woke up, I saw him, having a convulsion. He was looking right up, no reaction to anything I said or did, very unlike him. My hands turned sweaty and shaky, but I had no choice, I held him and brought him to my grandma, who told me what to do then. We brought him to the hospital, and there he got admitted and we had to stay for 5 days.

Klaud & Mico on our first night there. So cute, right? :)

Anyways, those 5 days made me realize & feel how a mother really feels like. Cause my mother wasn't there, nobody else was. Only me. Only us, for Klaud. I felt how to take care of my son, and my husband as well. For once I felt responsible. For once I felt independent. It wasn't that easy, no. But it taught me a lot. I felt fear whenever they needed to have a needle near Klaud. I felt the pain whenever Klaud cried. I felt bad when Klaud wasnt feeling well. But I disregarded all these, because I was thinking, I should be strong, because if I wasn't, who would? This time, its not for me. Its for Klaud.

It would be really nice to say these to my mom or whoever, but nobody would under

stand, and nobody would believe me. Cause everybody thinks I don't care for Klaud.

They keep on telling me to start caring, start loving him. What the fuck do they think I'm doing? Obviously, they only think I take care of him, because I NEED TO.

(K. Pagod na ko mag english, kasi sasabog na ko. Ang dami dami dami kong gusto sabihin.)

Pinipilit niya ako igaya sa sarili niya. Who does she think she is? Pinipilit niyang magaling siya, pinipilit niyang siya hindi nagkakamali kahit noon, kaya never kami nagkasakit na magkapatid. WELL GUESS WHAT! Kami kasi normal, full term pinanganak. Si Klaud, kulang sa araw, nagkasakit na din non. Hindi ba nila maisip na he's a very very fragile baby? That he's not like any other baby? I'm so sick and tired of all these things. Kung kaya ko lang mabuhay mag isa, ay nako. Umalis na ako dito. Not that I'm not grateful for what everybody here has done for me and my son, pero, sobra na, eh? They do these things, because they should. They're the only family we have. But what do they do? They make it seem like kailangan silang sambahin kasi tinutulungan nila kame. Parang, for them, they do nice stuff for charity, not because of love. Minsan naiisip ko, sana hindi ko na lang sila naririnig. I'm actually starting to kick them out of my life. Not kick 'em totally, pero yung, wala na kong paki sa sinasabi nila, hindi ko na papansinin mga sinasabi nila. After all, there's only 4 years left until I can find my own job, have my own home, and live my own life. Tiis tiis nga daw, diba. Sacrifices must be made, in order to be at peace and be happy.